| Dear
Jef! |
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| Join Jef St
De Lore every other Sunday on Outlet Radio as he answers your emails about love, sex and
relationships! |
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"Runaway Dad"
(11-24-02)
Dear Jef,
My mom and my stepfather are both dead. My natural ran out on his obligation for child
support when I was a baby and never even would have considered marrying my mother.
I have never met this man, except maybe once when I was a baby. In 1995, I
got some paperwork from my grandmother that gave me lots of information about my father.
His date of birth, city and country of birth, details about his family, etc.
I tracked him down in a town outside of Chicago and actually spoke with him on the phone.
He wouldn't admit he was my father. He tried to play it off like a coincidence. Still,
with all the information that I had that he admitted to, it was him. In addition, he asked
me lots of questions about myself. He was very curious. I think he was just afraid.
While we were on the phone, another extension in his house was picked up and someone
started dialing, then they stopped when they realized the phone was
already in use. A moment later, my 'father' told me his son apologized for the
interruption. His son! It means I have a brother.
I got this man's address and sent him a letter and photos of me growing up. I never
heard back. However, he did disconnect his phone number.
One day, I'd like to meet him, and, more importantly, any other siblings I may have. I
think this man is a coward for doing what he did and for not standing up years later and
being a man given the opportunity. However, I feel I've paid a huge price and he got away
without even any explanation. I missed out on a lot of things, and so did he. However, he
has a family and
now, I really don't.
What would you do in this situation? I haven't been able to forget about him and I don't
want to accept the idea of just letting things go. I don't expect much from him, but I
just want to meet him.
Sincerely,
Steven K
Steven,
I know that you'd like to get to know your birth father and but it sounds like he isn't
willing to meet with you. For whatever reason(s), he has chosen to distance himself
from you - even to the point of disconnecting his phone number.
It's sad that your birth father has chosen to leave you out of the picture but forcing
yourself on him and/or his family won't help the situation. He won't change
his mind if you hound him for attention.
Since this guy has chosen to be unable to you, you need to come up with a plan to take
care of your feelings, frustrations, and questions. My advise? Talk with
a counselor or a close friend and see what kind of closure you can reach on your own.
After talking with a counselor, you might try sending him a letter explaining
your feelings and give him contact
information for you. But that's about it. The next step would need to come
from him.
- Jef |
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| 11-03-02 |
"Possible
cheater?"
Dear Jef,
First of all, I am a male, 40 years old. I have been with my other half for 15 years.
During that time we started off monogamous and that's the way I expected things to be.
Several years in, he did a bit of cheating and then told me that we could have an open
relationship or break up. I thought at first that breaking up was the obvious answer, but
then I decided that I loved him enough to at least try the open thing. It didn't work very
well. I did not like it at all. We went back to monogamy-- and that's what he said he
wanted as well.
But now, one-year later, odd things are happening. He tells me that he wants to be
"himself." He has started smoking, drinking rather heavily and going out to the
bar without me (he specifically asks that I not accompany him). He has also been saying
that we are different from straights in that our relationships allow safe sex with other
people. At the same time, he says that he doesn't want an open relationship.
I have asked for clarification but I'm not getting it. What's your take on this? Am I
expecting too much from my relationship? Am I expecting too much from him? Should I just
lighten up and deal with it or think seriously about getting out?
Sincerely, ND
Dear ND,
You're in a tough space. It sounds like you care very deeply for your partner but that he
is sending you confusing messages. And since he has a history of cheating on you, you are
concerned about your own safety - sexual and emotional.
Personally, I think that something is going on. First warning - he won't "allow"
you to go to the bar with him? What's that about? What's going on there that he doesn't
want you to see? Yes, we all need some downtime on our own. But to keep your partner away
from a gay bar (a place that is usually known for cruising others)? That sounds like a red
flag.
Second warning, what's up with the big behavior change? Even if he wants to "be
himself," you should be able to talk about the situation. Why take up smoking and
heavy drinking? You're not his dad but you are his partner. You have a stake in this
relationship and it's okay to talk about it.
Now you were asking me if I think that you're asking too much from him. Well - I don't
know you and your partner. I don't know much about your relationship. But I will say that
it's normal and healthy to talk about a relationship. And when you have questions or
concerns, you are smart to ask for clarity. If you don't talk about the challenges, you're
not being proactive in your relationship - and in your own personal life.
My advice for you: first, figure out what you want. Do you want to work things out? What
compromises are you willing to make? And what's your bottom line? If things don't go your
way, are you able to move on without your partner. Then, talk to your partner about what's
working and what's not working in this relationship. Share your concerns are and what you
need from him. Also, ask him to share what he needs from you, the relationship, and even
from himself.
Good luck. I hope my advice helps.
- Jef |
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| (11-3-02) |
"BIG DICKS"
Dear Jef:
I just saw on the Christian and Vince website that you will be joining them on their show.
I wanted to say that I think this is great. I hope you are enjoying the experience. They
are great guys.
My questions is this: Is Falcon video giving everyone a false impression of just how large
most men's penis sizes are? Because I don't know any 12 incher dudes. In fact, most guys I
know are about half that. What is the deal with Falcon? Do you think they are starting
their own new disorder, like women's magazines did by showing impossibly tall and skinny
women? Will there be a generation of gay men that are going around getting penis
enlargement surgery?
Signed, Steve
Hey Steve -
Great questions. And to be honest you're bringing up a couple different points. Dick size
and unrealistic expectations regarding sex.
First, like most of your buddies, the average dick size is between 5 to 6 inches in
length. Keep in mind, your world might be different. You might live in the land of big
dicks or maybe you're more petite. But talking with most guys, if you're of average size
the "quality" usually is found in the action. "It's what you do with the
tool" that scores points.
I do agree with you that the image (notoriety?) of having a big dick is a lot like the big
boob sensation that follows the Barbie crowd. People are always talking about wanting to
find the "Jeff Stryker" man-pole. But in reality, not everyone wants it big. And
to be honest, not everyone can take it.
I do agree with you that the porn industry (not just Falcon Video) plays on our fantasies
of beautiful men with big dicks who have sex for hours without getting soft. Also, these
guys always cum in unison with their partner. Reality check? Photo editing! It's all about
camera angles and retakes.
So my advice is to enjoy porn as a fantasy interpretation of sex. It's not real. Yes, you
might be able to reenact favorite scenes. Or you might have a lover who looks like a porn
star. But to have great sex, you need to communicate with your partner with verbal and
physical cues. And of course, practice, practice, practice.
- Jef |
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| (9-22-02) |
"Dying Dad"
Dear Jef,
I received a call the other day from my brother, who said my real father has only a year
to live. I really don't know how I should feel because I disowned him over 15 years ago.
He was very abusive to my mother as I was growing up and mistreated me. He didn't abuse me
physically but maybe mentally.
I feel my father is my stepfather who is married to my mom now. I feel sorta bad because
my brother who was close to my father is upset. He said I should give him a call. But
that's a part of my life I don't want to open. Is that wrong?
I feel like I lost my father over 15 years ago. Recently, my mom asked me if I had heard
about my father and I said yes. She said maybe I should call him and forgive him since he
is dying. I told her I didn't want to deal with it. The only reason I am upset about this
is because of my brother.
Should I call or what?
Thanks.
Signed, Needing Some Advice
Dear NSA,
I'm sorry to hear about your birthfather's failing health. While you haven't been close to
him for years (if ever), losing someone is difficult.
It sounds like you are carrying a lot of hurt feelings and memories that involve your
birthfather. While I'm not saying that you have to call him or forgive him, I believe that
you need to find a way to address these issues. You don't want to allow bitterness to eat
away at you. And remember that this may be your last chance to talk with him and address
some of your concerns - in person or by phone.
Most importantly, if you choose to speak with your birthfather, do it for you and your own
reasons. Don't do it for your brother or your mom.
But before you pick up the phone, decide what you want to get from the call. Do you want
to have an honest talk with him? Are you looking for something specific? Closure?
Acceptance? An apology? And ask yourself what will happen if you don't get what you're
looking for?
I wish you the best as you decide how to deal with your dying dad. Examine your heart and
make the decision that is best for you.
Good luck.
- Jef |
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| (9-22-02) |
"Married co-worker making the
moves?"
Hey Jef,
A married guy from the building where I work and I have become quite friendly. Over the
last 3 years, there had been WAY too much eye contact from him and he'd always find a way
to get close. Also, he'd go out of his way to make sure that he softly touched my hands
and/or slightly brushed against me when no one else was around.
One day in the copy room he started his tactics and I quickly responded by massaging his
neck and shoulders. After a few minutes I asked him if he was bothered by it and he said
"No! It feels good." Knowing that someone could walk in at any time I gave him a
quick hug-which seemed to startle him and left.
Well, for the next 2 weeks he went completely out of his way to avoid me. Once when he was
coming down the hall and saw me, he did an about face and disappeared. After a couple of
weeks of this, I had the chance to confront him. I apologized to him saying, "I'm
sorry I offended you." He quickly said, "Oh that's ok, that's ok." His tone
of voice told me that the copy room incident didn't bother him a bit. In fact, he probably
enjoyed the whole thing. After the apology he has been extra friendly.
What does this guy want? What's his story? Any advice or comments?
FYI - this guy is Asian, about 30 and yes - married to a woman. I had a similar situation
with a gay single Asian man. As Joe Friday might be overheard saying. "YOU
COPY"?
Signed, Mike
Dear Mike,
In some Asian cultures, male to male intimacy is very different than your usual American
fare. Two straight Asian men holding hands may be acceptable. If your married co-worker
wasn't born in America, the hand rubbing and close-communication may have been
misinterpreted by you. Does he act this way with other male co-workers? Does he know that
you're gay?
My first reaction to your letter is that your married co-worker was fearful that others
might find out he's gay. And when the subtle flirting escalated to body contact, he
probably freaked out. He didn't know what you would do next. Kiss him in the lunchroom?
Try to mount him in the parking garage?
Even if your married co-worker was single, I'd say drop this hot potato. Most workplace
romances end in flames with a lot of unnecessary drama. Not worth the trouble. However
this guy is married. He has a wife. How else can I say this - he's taken. Regardless if
you're gay, straight, or omnisexual, I never think it's okay
to cheat with someone's partner.
Now - if you are uncomfortable with his attention, talk to him about it. If you enjoy it,
just chalk it up as friendly flirting.
- Jef |
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"WEBCAM SEX"
Dear Jef,
About a month ago I got a webcam. When my best friend found out that I had bought one, we
both started doing webcam chats instead of calling each other on the phone. Well, about
two weeks ago, I called him. He answered the webcam call running in from the shower. He
was just in his robe.
Well, after we had talked, I had teased him that I could see he did not have anything on
under his robe. He agreed, teased me, and flashed me. Well, after that we started talking
more, and well...by the end of the call we were jacking off and watching each other.
Now - a couple times a week we have been doing it. We even have a "code word"
now, which is "the show." Like...did you enjoy the show last night? Or want to
see a show tonight? I will admit, I always wondered how my best friend might look
undressed, and may have even had some fantasies about messing around. Anyway, my question
is...Do you think this is normal or ok? I don't really want to pursue anything else, and
he seems to be cool with our whole cooperative activity and has not said he wants to do
anything else. Could it just be the video that is exciting us more?
P.S. He is better hung than I would have expected...quite large actually. Do you think it
would be ok, if I asked him to let me see it some time in person?
Thanks,
Joseph
Joseph -
Sounds like you're having a lot of fun on the Internet. Also - I think that you're
definitely getting your money's worth out of the connection. And of course, videocam sex
is SUPER safe...at least when we're talking about STDs (sexually transmitted diseases).
However, the challenges arise when somebody wants more out of the naked shots and video
flirting.
You asked if this behavior was normal? Well - I don't think there's a normal or freak
component to this situation. I know a lot of guys who jack off with strangers and sex
buddies over the web. My concern is that things could get messy and that you might lose a
friend.
My advice - talk to your video buddy and check in with him. Yeah - be serious for a
moment. Let him know what you've enjoyed and where you'd like this relationship/situation
to go or NOT go.
You said in your letter that you didn't want anything else to happen and then, a sentence
later you want to have his throbbing manhood in your hand. So - decide what you want. It's
up to you (and him). Just be honest and don't play games. Ask yourself a few questions
like "How would having sex change your relationship? Would you become fuck buddies?
Would you start dating?"
Talk about this stuff before getting into his pants. Keep me posted.
- Jef |
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More than a
"tranny"
God damn it, Jef!
I want to find someone that doesn't want to fuck me because I'm transgender. It seems like
that there are people that chase trannies...and they give me the creeps. I was at a local
club, Secrets, when this mother fucker comes up and says that he likes trannies and asks
me if I'm a bottom! Jesus Fucking Christ...how about a goddamn hello!
I am bi and that causes more troubles - especially for women. If they find out that I've
slept with a guy, it's like ... ahhhh - good bye.
Is it possible to find someone that loves me for who I am, not what I am? I'm beginning to
think that I'll spend my life alone. Being married twice...maybe that is better! Anyhow,
love ya on candy....
Signed, Betwizzled
Dear Betwizzled -
It sounds like you are frustrated. And I don't blame you - some people can be super rude.
I doubt they mean it on purpose but their "direct approach" can lack any kind of
tact. This "style" can be a real turn-off. Tell them. Tell these tactless
wonders that you find their approach offensive.
And what about your needs? Well - it sounds like you want to meet somebody who likes you
for WHO you are not WHAT you are? Don't we all. I think this is a major challenge for
everybody in the dating pool. We want to make sure that potential lovers like us for
reasons that we find pleasing. We want to be MORE than just a pretty face. Or in your
situation MORE than just a tranny.
My advice -
1. Figure out what (and who) you want in a relationship.
2. Hang out where you can find this person.
3. Give people a chance. Some might not have your great communication
skills and may need a little extra grace.
Good luck.
- Jef |
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"Hawaiian House Boys
and other problems"
Dear Jef,
I am writing on behalf of my dear friend Chris and his lover Jason. They've been together
since 1991. They were perfect together. Then, back in 1992, Chris told me that he &
Jason had 3-ways. I told him that I thought that was a no-no - always leads to gay
marriage trouble. My words were not heeded. Flash forward 7 years later - Jason took a
"regular" liaison with one whom I shall call " Milk Dud". This open
fling soon went "underground", which is to say, BEHIND Chris's back. Chris was
dumfounded when he discovered that Jason was lavishing all his time and sexual attention
on Milk Dud.
Jason finally let go of Milk Dud but things are still not well with Chris and Jason. Now
Jason is meeting boys from Hawaii and sending out airline tickets - looking for a
"House Boy". Meanwhile, Chris and Jason are just at odds. I hate to see what was
once a loving and lovely duo go down the drain. These are two of the finest guys you would
ever want to meet. When in their company, you just know they are "soul mate
material."
Jef, What to do? Just sit and watch the Champagne loose it's bubbles and go totally down
the drain? Should they seek counseling? Should Chris welcome the new Hawaiian "House
Boy" with open arms?
Sincerely,
JimmiRae from Boca Raton, Florida
Dear JimmiRae,
It sounds like your friends have a lot going on. That house is smoking with heat. And I
don't think I can send a quick fix in their direction. However, I've got a few questions
and some advice for you and them.
For the couple. They need to decide what's important to them. Do they want to save the
relationship? And if so, are they willing to make some compromises? It sounds like people
have been hurt and have been lying. Not a good place to be. So they need to decide where
they want to be? And how will they make it happen. Like I said, this is not a quick fix
kind of situation. A therapist (or counselor) that works with queer couples could be
great. But again - therapy will only be helpful if they want to save the relationship.
For JimmiRae. You're in a tough spot. You care for both men and you want them to be happy.
It sounds like you're a good friend. However, you're going have to step back and let them
tackle their problems on their own. Yes, you can be a good listener. You can offer advice
(if they ask). But remember - this is their relationship. They are the ones making the
choices (good and bad). They have to live with their decisions.
You have your own life and loves. Learn from the experience of others and figure out what
you want out of life and how you can get it.
Good luck. Stay sane. Let me know how this drama ends.
- Jef |
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"Not ready for
love?"
Dear Jef,
After a birthday dinner with friends, I went to a "wild and happening" party and
met some people. 2 guys asked me for digits; and I even thought that they were decent guys
I wouldn't mind getting to know better. However, I declined as I have done for the past
year.
After a year of not dating, I don't want to date because I am not secure with myself. I
tell myself that once I tackle some of the problems in my life, I will date again. But my
friends say this perfect time will never come because one always has problems. Is this
okay, or am I deluding myself?
Signed,
Confused in DC
Dear Confused,
Your friends are right that we always have problems or dramas that hit our life. It's
natural. If you interact with real people, real life with all of its messiness will come
your way.
But on the other hand, it is okay to take time off from dating. After a challenging
relationship or a lost love, it's important to check in with yourself. Rediscover who you
are and what you want out of life. From your letter, it sounds like you have some stuff
you want to work on. Great. However, o set some specific goals for yourself - something
measurable. What do you want to accomplish during this "down time?" And how can
you make it happen?
I admire someone who takes the time to take care of themselves. ery important. Just don't
lose sight of the joys that a lover, boyfriend, or partner can add to your life. Not a
necessity - just an option.
Good luck. Keep me posted.
- Jef |
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"I Only Date
Addicts"
Dear Jef,
Hope you're doing well. I know you've probably received a ton of email for your "Dear
Jef" segment on Christian and Vince, but I hope you can address my email this
evening.
I've been in the Seattle area for 3 years now and it seems that most of the available guys
have very serious issues (i.e. drugs, alcohol, mental problems). I realize we ALL have
issues to deal with (and that's not a problem) but all I would like is a decent-looking
guy without a "chemical habit". Is that too much to ask for? Will I have to
resort to asking every guy I meet: "are you a crack-head?" or "are you due
back to the mental ward soon?"
It was also nice briefly chatting to you at Kinkos a few Sundays back. Take care. Look
forward to hearing you tonight on "Dear Jef".
Signed - John in Seattle
Dear John,
I know what you're going through. Sometimes it seems that all of the single men you meet
have MAJOR problems. Major problem meaning that their baggage doesn't go with your baggage
and together the whole thing would make a HUGE
mess.
First, I'm glad that you're not settling for someone who isn't a good match for you. Life
is too short to hang out with losers.
Okay - back to your concern. So you want to meet a guy without a chemical habit. Good
goal. And definitely doable. But you do need to ask yourself - where are you looking for
Mr. Right? Are you hitting circuit parties? Are you hanging out at local gay bars? Or
other events that have alcohol or drugs as a major factor? If you're shopping for Mr.
Right in these locations, he's probably a drinker. And he might be one of the many single
men (in these environments) who depend on alcohol to loosen them up and make them more
"sexy."
So if you are hoping to meet someone who isn't drinking, your best is to check out
alcohol-free, queer events. Have you tried volunteering with a gay or queer-friendly
organization? I've met many cute single guys while volunteering. Of course, make sure to
pick a place you want to be - regardless of the hottie factor. Also - you can hang out at
queer-friendly locations in your city - coffee shops, book stores, LGBT Community center,
wherever the community is meeting up.
Now dealing with mental problems? Hmm.that's a whole other letter.
- Jef |
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"Hi Ho Silver"
Dear Jef,
I was checking you out, uh, checking your picture out again in the "All The Way"
and I must say, you're getting better with age. By the way, is that a little gray I
see on the side? Since I have lots of gray, I consider it a sign of stability,
maturity, and, well, you know, susTAIN-ability, if you know what I mean AND I'm sure you
do. Hi Ho Silver!
Signed,
Larry
Hey Larry -
Yeah - I've had gray hair for years. And with so many of my friends losing their
tresses in chunks, I'm just happy to have it. Who cares what color it is?
And regarding sustainability - I'd have to say the sex gets better with age. Men become
better lovers over time. They develop their own style and the quality and variety of
the deed improves and starts to shine. And
yes.sustainability kicks-in, too.
So men, as the years start to add up, remember that you're getting some good stuff in the
trade-off, too. Maturity is a good thing. It doesn't necessarily mean that
you're getting boring. Hopefully, it means you're
getting more interesting.
- Jef |
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"NEEDS MORE SEX"
Dear Jef,
I've had a great partner for five 5 years. However, our sex life is slow, maybe only twice
a month. I would like to move that up too at least once a week. But he is happy with the
way it is. So now there is a lot of porn in the house, and I'm starting to get sick of it.
How can I talk to him about this?
Signed,
Anthony
Hey Anthony -
First, congratulations on your relationship. 5 years! Wow! Many couples don't time the
time and engergy to work through all of the challenges.
But...it does sound like you have sexual needs that aren't being met. You have sex (twice
a month) and you'd like to increase that number. Reasonable
request but you're definitely going to need to talk to your partner about it. These things
don't get better on their own.
I recommend talking about this topic away from the bedroom and while being fully clothed.
Discussing sex while in bed or while naked adds a weird dynamic to the discussion. So...
pick a time and place that will be
comfortable and private for the two of you to have an honest and candid discussion.
After picking a good place, start off by talking about what you enjoy about your sex life
and then talk about the challenges/frustrations that you are experiencing. Be careful to
use "I" statements. For example - "I'd like to have more sex" or
"I miss being intimate with your more often." Something like that. Don't be
accusatory. Now if you're going to address things that he's not doing still use
"I" statements like..."I feel that you don't want to have sex very
often" or "I feel unsexy when you reject my sexual advances." You can only
talk about your experiences. You don't know what he's feeling.
Now it's your turn to listen. Hear what your partner has to say. Make sure to REALLY
listen to him explain how he is experiencing this situation. Find out what's keeping him
from wanting more sex. A loss in his sex drive may be a symptom of something else in your
relationship.
Please...keep me in mind - this conversation might not solve all of your conflicts. It may
take a few discussions. If things don't change or you continue to feel frustrated by a
lack of change, you may need to include a counselor into your conversation.
Good Luck.
- Jef |
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"Hot Straight Guy at Work"
Dear Jef,
At work there is a love triangle, two guys and a girl. They were all friends, and I was
their friend, too. While this was going on, one of the guys, was talking to me a lot, and
telling me all his feelings about what was going on (he would even cry in front of me). He
was really opening up to me, and it started to get to me. He would do things, like hug,
put his hand on my hand and tell me what a good friend I have been.
All of this got to me and I started to fall for him. Also, he's great looking. I just
don't know what to do. He is straight. I don't want to do anything, but I can't shake the
feeling. What should I do? If I stop talking to him, he comes and ask me what is wrong, or
if he has done something to make me upset. I don't want to lose him as a friend. Help me!
Signed,
Tony
Hey Tony -
Your co-worker is straight! Hello! Or at least that what he's claiming. You don't want to
date a closet-case or a straight guy. Very messy. AND trust me - you DO NOT want to date a
co-worker. A very bad scene.
So my advice - be a friend. Keep it platonic. Hugs can be okay but it sounds like extended
ones leave you wanting more. This guy probably just needs some good friends right now and
you are sexualizing the situation. Don't encourage intimate times/locations with him.
Good luck. Let me know how things work out.
- Jef
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